I assume you have heard the saying “no one knows you better than yourself”. Am I right? And, if you have heard it, have you ever reflected on the depth of that statement? I am certain that I hadn’t, and before you exit the page due to this post beginning to sound like a counseling session, hear me out. Recently I have been challenged in different ways, and I experienced almost what one could label as an “enlightenment” moment with my own understanding of myself. I thought I understood the complexity of my mind and heart, but it turns out that I still have a lot to learn about myself. I am still growing into the person God has created me to be. Let me explain this more by sharing my “enlightenment” story with you.
A few short weeks ago, Mark’s brother packed up his belongings and moved from our community to California, and, before he left, Mark and I decided to spend as much time with Matt as we could.This included eating meals together, going up north as a group, working out together, etc. Whatever we did, we included Matt, and it was a lot of fun! However, something within me shifted during this time, and I recognized it on a particular Saturday evening.
The Friday evening before, Mark discussed finding some time the next day for the two of us to go out and do something together since it had been a while since we had done so. I agreed and was very excited for that time to just be present with him. Saturday morning arrived, and Mark, Matt, and I went out for brunch and discussed hosting a farewell party for Matt that day. Once we returned to the house, we began to prepare for the party, and it began to rain. So, we were stuck indoors. The dinner hour quickly came about, and our friends began to arrive. As a group, we spent time talking about Matt’s approaching departure and played board games into the late evening hour. At this point in our day, Mark and I still had not spent time together, but I remained hopeful that an opportunity would arise still at some point that evening.
Unfortunately…one didn’t.
Upon our guests leaving, Mark’s roommates came home, and we were all in the kitchen discussing what the plans were for the rest of the evening. In the end, it was decided that we were all going to go for a walk at a local nature preserve and then take a stroll downtown. In that moment of the decision, my mood instantly shifted. I don’t know why I became emotionally imbalanced, and I attempted to be happy and have fun; but, I couldn’t. I questioned why I felt the way I did, and I didn’t understand the complexity of my emotions. This wasn’t normal. I should have been having fun with all of them because it was a fun adventure that we set upon; yet, I wasn’t having fun. What was going on with me?
By the time we returned to the house, it was time for Mark to take me home. The drive back consisted of very little because I didn’t want to talk. Eventually, Mark asked if I was alright. I replied saying that I was fine, and he didn’t believe me. Honestly, as I am sure you can identify, I wasn’t fine. But I didn’t know how to explain what I was feeling to him. I went to bed on the verge of tears and simply exhausted from what I was going through. I fell asleep hoping to wake up the next morning feeling in touch with myself again.
Sunday morning I woke up…and I felt the same complexity of emotions that I did the evening before. The rest of the weekend was a roller coaster as I attempted to navigate my thoughts and feelings. I journaled, listened to podcasts, and even spoke to myself in an attempt to make sense of myself. However, I struggled, and I went to bed Sunday evening feeling the same way as when I awoke that morning.
Monday morning at work was absolutely terrible. My head hurt from all the mental processing I had been doing, and my heart ached. No joke. It’s hard to explain that, but I need you to trust me when I say my heart ached…It was nothing medical I promise…I was at work, and I decided to turn on some more podcasts to distract myself from myself and get some work done. O. MY. GOODNESS!! The things I learned that morning from podcasts! There were two different subjects that I listened to that morning: love languages and the enneagram. Prior to engaging in the love language podcast, I knew that my main love language was quality time, but I did not know what that looked like for me and my relationship with Mark. You better believe I came to an understanding though! And, I figured out why I had become emotionally unstable Saturday evening! It all came down to my love language of quality time.
Since Mark and I had been spending so much time together with Matt over the past couple of weeks, him and I had spent very little quality time together. Yes, we had gone out shopping a few times and were with each other when spending time with Matt, but we didn’t have intentional conversations or had not been present with each other. From this reality, I honestly felt distant and disconnected from him. Looking back on that day, as time had passed, the window of opportunity for Mark and I to spend time together became smaller and smaller, and I became emotionally unbalanced when I recognized Mark and I would not be spending time together one-on-one. That moment was when his roommates and us decided to go for a walk. It was a “last straw” for me, and I didn’t even realize that it was the “last straw”. It is interesting how that works. My emotions became unbalanced because my love language of quality time had been absent and not met for an extended period of time.
Yet, I had only discerned half of what I was feeling that day. I still did not understand why I was frustrated with my emotional imbalance. So, I turned on some podcasts about the Enneagram.
I had listened to an enneagram podcast called Homing before, and I decided to explore it again. I already knew that I was a type 6 personality, but I didn’t quite understand what that entailed. So, I turned on podcasts about type 6 people. The podcasts that I listened to were so relatable that I actually began to laugh because it felt as if the show hosts were literally talking about me! It was crazy real! With that, what they said I applied to myself and how I was feeling those past few days. This led to an understanding of the source of my frustration that particular Saturday.
As a type 6, which are called the Loyalists, I am a thinker. I think all the time because I need to know how things will turn out to be. Why? Well, because as a type 6, my greatest desire is to have security. This is so true for me! Mark asked me at one point what a desire of mine was for marriage, and I replied with having security: emotional, financial, and physical security. I need to know that I will be okay. Even in my academics, I sometimes wish that I knew what grade I would finish the course with. Therefore, if I was struggling, I knew everything was going to be okay.
Let me connect this to that one particular Saturday. Since, I had not spent quality time with Mark, I did not know if everything was okay between us. We had not had the time to simply talk and spend time together one-on-one. This scared me and caused me to be frustrated with the situations taking place. With this understanding, I felt a huge burden lifted from me. What a relief!
What is even crazier is realizing that if I did not understand this complexity of myself, how could others possibly understand? I have been living with myself my entire life, and if I don’t know this about me, how would others?
I have become super passionate about the enneagram, and that is why I am creating this series! In my next post, I am going to explain the enneagram with greater depth, and, in my last post of this series, I will share about my type! Stay tuned to find out what my type is!
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