*sigh*
I have just completed some of the most emotionally and mentally draining weeks of my college career so far. I have had a substantial amount of homework to complete, a handful of essays to write, a couple of exams, and two interviews. Yes, I am exhausted.
Throughout these weeks, I have been working diligently to put forth my best effort. However, to my disappointment, I did not perform to the level that I desired in each of those areas, and this caused me to become even more tired.
In this post, I am going to be real. I want to share my major struggle during this time because there is growth found somewhere within it. To begin, let’s discuss what has been draining me…math.
I love math! I enjoy working with equations, numbers, and shapes. However, right now I am being challenged in my Math 120 class called Mathematics for Elementary Teachers. Easy, right? Nope. Yes, we discuss concepts such as the Base-Ten System, fractions, addition, subtraction, decimals, etc. However, we are not just being assessed on whether we know how to solve problems involving those ideas. Instead, we reason for them. To further clarify, imagine the subtraction algorithm:
It works, and it can even be fun to use! But, why does this algorithm work? Why can I set up a subtraction problem like that above and just solve it? This is what I am learning with multiple math concepts. It is almost as if we are returning to the fundamentals and foundations of mathematics so that I will be able to reason when my students begin asking the “Why?” questions. Why can’t the 3 go below the 7 and the 9 below the 6? What do you mean that it’s because the 7 is in the hundreds place and the 3 is in the tens place? You mentioned it is because of the Base-Ten System…why and how does that work? Why did the 5 become a 15 and the 6 become a 5? Why can’t I just subtract 9-5 instead of 5-9? ……. There is quite a bit of complexity behind the simple equations and methods we have memorized, but, if you think about it, very few of us understand why these methods and equations work. How would you explain it? For my homework, it looks as if I am writing a short essay for each problem instead of computing numbers.
So, with that, this class has been fascinating and enjoyable. Yet, when it came to my first exam, I performed as if I did not understand the content. I did really well on some parts of the exam, but the rest psyched me out. With my first math exam, I had the worst “test-taking” experience throughout the entirety of my education. I studied several hours for this exam, completed practice problems, and felt confident and excited to prove that I understood what I have been taught. I was ready! However, I did not receive the A I wanted. During my exam, I was stressed with the time to the point that my hands began to shake. I could not think straight because I was so overwhelmed, and at one point I wanted to walk out of the room because I could not breathe and wanted to cry. But, I didn’t; I kept going. I needed to. I did finish the exam, but I did not have time to go back and reread my answers and add in any missing information. When my professor called time, I handed in my exam and left. I felt dissatisfied, upset, frustrated, disappointed, tired, overwhelmed, weak. I returned to my room and cried in the arms of my roommate. How could that have gone so poorly? That is not how I perform.
If I were to describe myself in an academic setting I would say, “I am a 4.0 student dedicated to my studies. I do not accept mediocrity. I actively participate in class to obtain a complete understanding of the content, and I enjoy helping my peers understand the content as well.”
I think it sounds good, right? Well, as I was just writing that, I recognize my faults.
I cannot rely on myself. I have been approaching my studies assuming that it will come easily and that I will just receive A’s on all I do because that is how it went for high school. But, this is far from reality. I cannot succeed in everything. I need the support and guidance from others just as I offer it, and in my mistakes is where I experience growth. Also, when I allow myself to enter this rigorous mindset towards my academics, I just tire myself out, and my relationships with others begin to weaken. That is not what I want for myself. Indeed, I desire to succeed, but I also want to be intentional with the people I care about. I need to learn how to balance this. What is going to matter 10 years from now?
With my academics, I still can succeed in the class. I still can get an A; one grade does not determine everything, and I need to fully recognize that. With my relationships and personal wellbeing, I need to take time to invest in them and myself. The perfectionist in myself just wants everything to go well, but I am going to struggle. That is life. And, it is okay to struggle.
I know that was a lot about one thing, but that one math grade has been a challenge for me to accept. However, exciting things have been happening for me too! I applied for a Residential Assistant (RA) position here at Saint Norbert College just as 60 other applicants did for one of the 15 positions available, and I was offered a position! I am very excited! Also, I have been able to see my family and spend intentional time with my boyfriend and friends lately which has been a true blessing.
Life will not be perfect, but there are small gifts found amidst struggles that we all need to cherish and be grateful for. I recognize this was a lot about myself, but I hope you were able to take something from my experience. Maybe you too need to recognize the truth: it is okay to struggle. Maybe you need to take a step back and recognize the small gifts we are blessed with each day. Maybe you need to consider how you prioritize what is important to you and how that affects other areas of your life. With that, I am going to leave you with a quote in which has been speaking to me recently:
Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets.
~Friedrich Nietzsche
